You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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