Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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