woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
