i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
