Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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