I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
