so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
