I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
