Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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