I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
What drink are we having for lunch?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
