I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
