You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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