I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
