I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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