Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
