my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
