You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
