I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
the liver wants what the liver wants
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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