the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
