You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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