I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize