here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
