Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
