Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize