remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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