i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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