I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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