Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize