filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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