The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
