I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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