Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
