I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
