i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
