All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
