38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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