He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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