so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
