A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
