I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
