Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
