i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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