Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
