I wish I could teleport
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
