Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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