No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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