well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He shit in the fireplace
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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