Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm both gender and math confused
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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