Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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