hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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