Old men and throwing up are my life now.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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