the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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