I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She is in my trunk
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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