I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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