M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
