Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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