Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
FUCK WHALES
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
