dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My dick has a subreddit
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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