I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
