I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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