I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
