I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
