he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize