just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
